"'I love you' feels too casual," "'Aishiteru' feels too heavy"—anyone in an international relationship has likely felt the difficulty of expressing love in different languages.
Growing up bilingual in Japanese and English, I've physically felt how the "weight" and "temperature" of emotions change with language since childhood. Saying "daisuki" to my mother in Japanese and "I love you" to my father in English carried the same affection but different sensations.
From my experience supporting many bilingual couples as a relationship psychology analyst, I can say that **language differences are an opportunity for richer emotional expression**. Today, I'll share psychological approaches for conveying true emotions beyond language.
The Psychological Impact of Language on Emotional Expression
The Linguistic Relativity Hypothesis
The linguistic relativity theory, known as the Sapir-Whorf hypothesis, suggests that the language we speak influences our thinking and worldview. This applies to emotional expression as well.
For instance, Japanese has the word "setsunai" (a bittersweet, poignant feeling), which has no perfect English equivalent. Conversely, expressing the English "crush" (early-stage infatuation) in a single Japanese word is equally challenging.
Differences in Emotional Granularity
According to psychologist Lisa Feldman Barrett's research, **emotional granularity** (the ability to identify and express emotions precisely) varies by language.
Japanese has rich vocabulary for subtle emotional nuances:
- "Koishii" (yearning), "Natsukashii" (nostalgic), "Modokashii" (frustrating longing), "Yarusenai" (helpless sadness)
Expressing these emotions in English requires multiple words or explanations. Meanwhile, English has many direct, strong emotional expressions that Japanese speakers might find "too intense."
Challenges of Emotional Expression in Bilingual Relationships
Emotional "Translation Loss"
One of my clients, M-san, a Japanese woman, felt uncomfortable when her American boyfriend said "I love you" daily. Translating it as "aishiteru" felt too heavy, while "suki dayo" felt too light. This **translation gap** created doubts about the authenticity of his feelings.
The Psychological Burden of Code-Switching
Bilingual individuals often switch not just languages (code-switching) but also personality and emotional expression modes. This phenomenon is called **"linguistic personality."**
Many bilinguals report:
- Becoming more outgoing and direct in English
- Becoming more reserved and indirect in Japanese
- Being more emotional in their native language
- Being more logical in their second language
This switching can make it difficult to show your "true self" to your partner.
Cultural Filters in Emotional Expression
High-Context vs. Low-Context
In Japan's high-context culture, much meaning is embedded in **what's left unsaid**. "Reading between the lines" is valued, and direct emotional expression tends to be avoided.
In contrast, low-context cultures like America value **clear verbal expression**. Emotions, too, are expected to be explicitly verbalized.
Social Scripts for Emotional Expression
Each culture has "social scripts" (expected behavioral patterns) for emotional expression:
**Japanese Scripts:**
- Modest expressions of affection
- Showing love through actions
- Restraining public displays of affection
**American Scripts:**
- Frequent verbal affirmations of love
- Physical expressions of affection
- Public displays of affection acceptable
These differences can create misunderstandings like "I'm not loved" or "Their love is overwhelming."
5 Strategies for Emotional Expression Beyond Language
1. Create an Emotional "Dictionary"
I recommend creating your own **emotional expression dictionary**. Share how you express the same emotions in each language and their emotional temperature.
**Example:**
```
"Daisuki" = "I really like you" (daily use)
"Aishiteru" = "I love you deeply" (special occasions)
"I love you" = "Kyou mo daisuki dayo" (not heavy even daily)
"I'm in love with you" = "Aishiteru" (serious feelings)
```
2. Utilize Non-Verbal Communication
Consciously incorporate expression methods beyond words. Psychological research shows that 93% of emotional communication comes from non-verbal elements (facial expressions, tone, body language).
**Non-Verbal Affection:**
- Maintaining longer eye contact
- Facing your partner while listening
- Increasing touch frequency
- Enriching facial expressions
- Being conscious of voice tone
3. Find "Bridge Expressions" for Emotions
For untranslatable emotions, use **descriptive bridge expressions**.
**Examples:**
- "Setsunai" → "It's a bittersweet feeling that makes my heart ache in a beautiful way"
- "Crush" → "Dokidoki shite, au dake de shiawase na, tokubetsu na kimochi"
- "Modokashii" → "Frustrated but in a longing way"
4. Native Language Emotional Expression Time
I recommend setting aside weekly time for **each person to freely express emotions in their native language**. Even if your partner doesn't fully understand, the depth and essence of emotions come through.
**Practice Method:**
1. Speak about this week's emotions in your native language for 5 minutes
2. Then translate and explain key words
3. Partner receives emotions without judgment
4. Ask questions about parts not understood
5. Create a Third Language
By creating your own **emotional expression language**, you can creatively overcome language barriers.
**Original Expression Examples:**
- Unique terms of endearment
- Mixed-language expressions ("Sugoku love shiteru")
- Slang born from shared memories or experiences
- Unique use of emojis or stickers
Level-Based Approach to Emotional Expression
Level 1: Daily Affection
Adjust small daily expressions of love **considering cultural weight**.
- To Japanese partner: "Kyou mo issho ni irarete ureshii"
- To English-speaking partner: "Love you" (casually)
- Universal: Hugs, holding hands, smiles
Level 2: Sharing Deep Emotions
When conveying important emotions, express them **carefully with time**.
1. Set the stage ("I have something important to say")
2. Explain the emotional background
3. Use multiple expressions to convey
4. Confirm partner's understanding
Level 3: Emotions During Crisis or Conflict
Negative emotions especially need to be conveyed **with awareness of language differences**.
**Cautions:**
- We tend to revert to native language when emotional
- Criticizing in partner's language can sound unnecessarily harsh
- Calm down first, then explain in both languages
[Diagnosis] Your Bilingual Emotional Expression Style
Answer these questions to identify your emotional expression style:
1. Which language do you use for expressing affection?
- A: Mainly native language
- B: Partner's language
- C: Depends on situation
2. Which language when emotional?
- A: Always native language
- B: Whatever language I'm using
- C: Mixed
3. Frequency of saying "I love you"/"Aishiteru"?
- A: Rarely say it
- B: Only on special occasions
- C: Say it frequently
**Results:**
- Mostly A's: Native-dependent type (most natural in native language)
- Mostly B's: Adaptive type (can adjust to partner)
- Mostly C's: Flexible type (switches based on situation)
Practice Workshop: Emotion Translation Exercise
Step 1: Emotional Inventory
List this week's emotions in both languages.
Step 2: Translation Comparison
Express the same emotions in both languages and note nuance differences.
Step 3: Bridging
Supplement untranslatable parts with explanations or metaphors.
Step 4: Partner Sharing
Share translations with each other to deepen understanding.
The Essence of Love Beyond Language
Universal Languages of Love
According to Gary Chapman's "5 Love Languages" theory, expressions of love are universal beyond language:
1. **Words of Affirmation**
2. **Quality Time**
3. **Gifts**
4. **Acts of Service**
5. **Physical Touch**
These are universal ways to convey love regardless of culture or language.
Emotional Authenticity
Most importantly, **emotional authenticity** matters. Even without perfect translation, sincere feelings always come through.
Conclusion: Transforming Language Differences into Depth of Love
Emotional expression differences in bilingual relationships are indeed challenging. However, through this challenge, we can learn **the essence of love beyond language**.
My parents, in their 35-year marriage, built their own unique emotional expression method. It was neither Japanese nor English, but their own language of love.
To those struggling with language differences: These differences hold the potential to make your love **richer and deeper**. Being able to express emotions that one language cannot fully capture through two languages and methods beyond words—that's a privilege only bilingual couples have.
Rather than seeking perfect translation, find **beauty in imperfection**. Perhaps the feelings we cannot put into words are the deepest love. And the effort to convey those feelings is the true proof of love.
