On an autumn evening, in the corner of an old coffee shop, I opened a worn notebook. There, written twenty years ago, were my notes about "ideal love." The young me had envisioned love like a movie scene - dramatic, with a destined encounter with the perfect partner.
But now in my forties, the "true love" I understand has taken a completely different form. Through weaving the long story of life, I've realized that love, too, changes like the seasons - deepening and maturing with time.
Today, I want to share five truths about finding true love that I've learned in over forty years of life. These aren't mere dating techniques. They are crystals of living wisdom drawn from the deep well of life experience.
The First Truth: The Perfect Partner Doesn't Exist
When we're young, we search for "the one." We create ideal checklists and try to find someone who matches them perfectly. But something I've learned in my forties is this: **The perfect partner doesn't exist anywhere in this world.**
My friend K, a painter, spent his thirties repeatedly falling in and out of love, searching for the ideal woman. Beautiful, intelligent, understanding of art, good at cooking, family-oriented... he kept searching for such a woman. However, the woman he married at 45 was far from the ideal he had painted.
"It's because she's not perfect that I find her endearing," K says. "Her clumsiness, the vulnerability she sometimes shows, and the moments when she needs me. All of these make our relationship real."
Everyone has flaws. Everyone carries wounds. And it's precisely this imperfection that makes us human. In our forties, we can accept this truth. We can look at our partner's shortcomings and still love them. Rather, we can love them including those shortcomings.
The Courage to Accept Imperfection
The most important thing in love is having the courage to accept your partner's imperfections. This simultaneously means having the courage to reveal your own imperfections.
When I was 42, I met a woman. She was completely different from my ideal type. Talkative, a bit scatterbrained, and chronically late. The younger me would never have considered her as a romantic interest. Yet, the time I spent with her was mysteriously comfortable.
One day, she said, "I'm not perfect, but I like myself best when I'm with you." Those words struck me deeply. Perhaps true love begins when we stop seeking perfection.
The Second Truth: Love Is Something You Cultivate, Not Find
We often use the expression "finding love," as if love were a treasure hidden somewhere. But what I've realized in my forties is this: **Love isn't something you find; it's something you cultivate.**
Just as a gardener plants seeds, waters them, provides sunlight, and removes weeds to grow flowers, love too is nurtured through the accumulation of small daily acts. Love at first sight and passionate romance are certainly beautiful. But they're merely the beginning of love. True love grows slowly but surely over the long time that follows.
My parents celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary this year. When I asked my father, "What's the secret to love?" he smiled and answered, "Making coffee for your mother every morning, I suppose."
It might seem like such a small thing. But within the act of making coffee without fail every morning for 50 years, deep affection dwells. Love lives not in grand gestures, but in small acts of consideration in daily life.
The Gift of Time
In our forties, we come to understand the value of time. We realize that time, which we thought was infinite when young, is actually a limited and precious resource. And we understand that choosing who to spend that limited time with is one of life's most important decisions.
Cultivating love also means giving the gift of time to your partner. Making time for them in our busy days. Time to listen, time to laugh together, time to simply be there. The accumulation of these moments builds a strong bond between two people.
The Third Truth: Knowing Yourself Is the First Step to Loving Another
There's an ancient Greek maxim: "Know thyself." This is an extremely important truth in love as well. **If you don't deeply understand yourself, you cannot truly love another.**
Our forties are when self-understanding deepens. We've experienced both success and failure, tasted both joy and sorrow. Through this process, what we value, what we seek, and what we fear becomes clear.
In my thirties, I repeated relationships without knowing what I was looking for. I changed myself to match my partner, desperately trying to meet their expectations. But that wasn't the real me. Even if someone loves you while you're wearing a mask, it's not true love.
The Strength to Show Weakness
Knowing yourself also means acknowledging your weaknesses. In our forties, we tire of playing the perfect version of ourselves. And we discover the comfort of being our authentic selves.
I once heard from a relationship counselor: "People who can show their weakness are actually the strongest." I didn't understand it then, but now I know exactly what it means.
Showing your weaknesses, fears, and anxieties to your partner certainly takes courage. But when you can do that, real intimacy is born between you. By removing our masks and facing each other with our true faces, hearts truly touch for the first time.
The Fourth Truth: Past Wounds Become Nourishment for Deeper Love
By our forties, everyone carries scars from love. Heartbreak, betrayal, separation... these experiences leave deep wounds in our hearts. When young, we try to hide these wounds, to pretend they never happened. But **past wounds actually become precious nourishment for deepening love.**
At 35, I broke up with a partner I'd been with for seven years. We had promised to marry. That heartbreak left a deep wound in my heart. For a while, I was afraid to enter a new relationship. The fear of being hurt again, of losing again, bound me.
But as time passed and I could face that wound, I realized something. Because of that experience, I can now understand others' pain. I can empathize with their anxieties and fears. And I can understand the preciousness of love from the bottom of my heart.
Scars Are Medals
Haruki Murakami wrote, "After pain passes through, something remains." The same is true for love's scars. They're proof that we faced love seriously, medals that show we lived life deeply.
The beauty of love in our forties lies in being able to acknowledge each other's scars. The empathy of "I've been hurt too" and "I've failed too" creates deep understanding between two people. You don't need a perfect past. Rather, it's because of an imperfect past that present love shines brighter.
The Fifth Truth: Love Is Growing Together
The final and most important truth: **True love is growing together.** In our forties, we realize that half of life still remains. And how we live that remaining life becomes important.
Love isn't simply spending enjoyable time together. It's a relationship where you elevate each other, help each other grow, believe in each other's potential, support dreams, and sometimes offer tough love. That's the form of mature love.
My acquaintance M, an editor, remarried at 48. Her partner was a man working in a completely different industry. "With him, I see new worlds," M says. "He teaches me things I didn't know and gives me courage to take on new challenges. I never thought I could grow this much approaching 50."
Not Fearing Change
Growing together also means accepting change. People change. In the decade of our forties, people change significantly. A relationship that can enjoy rather than fear that change - that might be true love.
We tend to wish our partners wouldn't change. We sometimes say, "I liked the old you." But that's not love; it's attachment. True love rejoices in your partner's growth, accepts their changes, and walks new paths together.
In Closing: It's Never Too Late for Love
Some might feel embarrassed talking about love in their forties. But I want to say this loudly: **It's never too late for love.**
Rather, there's a kind of love only possible in our forties. Having known life's bitter and sweet, we now understand the true value of love. We can see inner beauty rather than surface attraction. We can nurture calm affection, not just passion.
A couple in their sixties I recently met were both divorced. "Love in youth was like fireworks," the man said. "Spectacular and beautiful, but quickly extinguished. But today's love is like a fireplace fire. Quietly, but surely, it warms us."
I deeply resonated with these words. In our forties, fifties, sixties... with each passing year, love becomes deeper and richer. It's a beauty that ferments over time, like wine aging.
What's needed to find true love isn't youth, beauty, or wealth. What's needed is a heart that lives life deeply, faces oneself, and tries to understand others. And that heart is surely growing within you now, in your forties.
To those searching for love: There's no need to rush. All your life experiences become signposts leading to true love. Every wound and failure has meaning. And someday, you'll surely realize: True love isn't something you find, but something you cultivate. And that seed is already within your heart.
