Hello, I'm Kentaro Sato. Today, I'll share the messaging techniques I developed through trial and error on dating apps that dramatically improved my response rates.
To be honest, I initially struggled to get any responses. Out of 100 messages, I'd get maybe 5 replies. But now, I receive responses from over 30 people. This transformation came from completely revolutionizing my approach to messaging.
Why Your Dating App Messages Don't Get Responses
There are three main reasons why messages on dating apps go unanswered.
First, **messages feel too generic**. Opening with "Hi! I saw your profile and was interested!" doesn't resonate because it could be sent to anyone. According to female user statistics, they receive an average of 20-30 messages daily. To stand out from this crowd, you need clear differentiation.
Second, **too much self-focus**. Starting with lengthy self-introductions causes recipients to lose interest. I used to write, "I work in X field, my hobbies include Y..." but this was a major mistake.
Third, **questions are too vague**. General questions like "What are your hobbies?" or "What do you do on weekends?" are difficult to answer and don't sustain conversation.
Success Starts with Reading Profiles Thoroughly
The first step to improving response rates is thoroughly reading your match's profile.
I always review not just profile photos, but also self-introductions, hobbies, favorite foods, and weekend activities. I make it a point to **find at least three commonalities**.
For example, if someone mentions "enjoying café hopping," I'll specifically reference cafés I've visited or am curious about. "I saw your profile! You also enjoy café hopping. I recently visited △△ in Omotesando, and their matcha latte was exceptional. Have you discovered any new cafés lately?"
By **including specific venue names and experiences**, you eliminate the template feel and demonstrate genuine engagement with their profile.
Three Key Points to Extract from Profiles
1. **Values and perspectives**: Work attitudes, relationship building approaches
2. **Lifestyle**: Morning or night person, indoor or outdoor preferences
3. **Future aspirations**: Views on marriage, thoughts about children
Understanding these aspects before messaging creates the impression that "this person is trying to understand me."
The Golden Structure for First Messages
Let me share my high-response-rate message structure.
**1. Brief greeting (1 line)**
"Hello, I'm Kentaro."
**2. Specific profile reference (2-3 lines)**
"I found your mention of 'exploring new places every weekend' really wonderful. I also love walking through unfamiliar neighborhoods."
**3. Shared topics or experiences (2-3 lines)**
"Last week, I explored Shimokitazawa for the first time. The vintage shops and unique cafés made it enjoyable all day."
**4. Easy-to-answer question (1-2 lines)**
"Have you discovered any new places recently? I'd love recommendations!"
This structure creates messages of **150-200 characters**—not too long, not too short, easy to read and respond to.
Crafting Questions That Get Responses
How you phrase questions significantly impacts response rates. Here are my effective questioning techniques.
The Multiple Choice Method
Instead of "What do you do on weekends?" try "Are you a stay-home-and-relax person or a go-out-and-refresh person on weekends?" **Providing options** makes answering easier.
Actual message example:
"I see you enjoy movies. Are you a theater person or a home viewing person? I go to theaters for films I want on the big screen, and watch at home when I want to focus on details."
Experience-Sharing Questions
**Specific experience-based questions** related to their interests work well.
"You enjoy cooking" → "What dish have you made recently that turned out particularly well?"
"You love traveling" → "Where from your travels would you most like to revisit?"
These questions allow recipients to recall positive experiences while responding, creating positive emotional associations.
Question Patterns to Avoid
Here are NG patterns I learned through failure:
- Overly personal questions ("Where do you live?" "What's your income?")
- Yes/No questions ("Do you like movies?" "Do you go out on weekends?")
- Time-consuming questions ("What's the most important thing in your life?")
Creating Good Impressions Through Timing and Pace
Message **timing** significantly affects response rates.
My statistics show the highest response rates during:
1. **Weekday evenings 8-10 PM**: Post-work relaxation time
2. **Saturday 2-5 PM**: Weekend afternoon leisure time
3. **Sunday 7-9 PM**: Weekend ending, preparing for tomorrow while checking phones
Conversely, weekday mornings and late nights show lower response rates.
About Response Pacing
While the urge to immediately respond is understandable, **instant replies can backfire**.
My rules:
- First response: After 1-2 hours
- Subsequent responses: After 30 minutes to 1 hour
- When conversation heats up: After 15-30 minutes
This pacing creates the perfect balance of "not desperate" yet "definitely interested."
Topic Development for Sustaining Conversations
After receiving responses, continuing conversation is crucial. Here are my topic development techniques.
Utilizing the 5W1H Framework
Expand questions using **5W1H (When, Where, Who, What, Why, How)** based on their responses.
Example: "I recently found a café with amazing pancakes"
- When: "When did you visit?"
- Where: "Where is this café located?"
- What: "What types of pancakes did they have?"
- Why: "What made you choose that café?"
- How: "How did you discover it?"
Weaving in Related Personal Experiences
To avoid interrogation-style conversations, **moderately share your own experiences**.
"Speaking of pancakes, I visited a place my friend recommended last month. The whipped cream was incredibly fluffy—the best I've ever had. What was special about the pancakes at your discovered café?"
Inserting brief related experiences creates conversational rhythm.
Natural Topic Transition Techniques
Changing topics at appropriate times prevents monotony.
My go-to transition phrases:
- "By the way, I noticed you mentioned ○○ in your profile..."
- "That reminds me of..."
- "So, do you have weekend plans?"
These phrases enable smooth topic transitions.
Best Timing and Methods for Suggesting Dates
Once messaging progresses smoothly, it's time to suggest meeting.
In my experience, **7-10 days after starting messages** is optimal. Too early triggers wariness; too late risks friend-zoning.
Successful Date Invitation Patterns
**Pattern 1: Natural invitation through shared interests**
"You also enjoy coffee! I recently found a place with excellent home-roasted coffee. Would you like to go together sometime?"
**Pattern 2: Proposal after asking preferences**
"I'd really like to meet and talk in person. Do you prefer lunch or café meetings?"
**Pattern 3: Using events as catalysts**
"There's a limited-time market this weekend at ○○. It seems to have lots of handmade items you might like. Want to check it out together?"
Handling Rejection
Sometimes invitations get declined. Your response determines the future relationship.
I always reply, **"No problem at all! Maybe another time."** Then continue messaging normally. Sometimes they later initiate with "About what we discussed before..."
Patience and respecting their pace is crucial.
Conclusion: Data-Proven Effective Messaging Techniques
Finally, here's my three-month data record.
**Before improvement (first month)**
- Messages sent: 312
- Responses: 18
- Response rate: 5.8%
- Dates realized: 1
**After improvement (third month)**
- Messages sent: 198
- Responses: 67
- Response rate: 33.8%
- Dates realized: 8
By improving message quality, despite sending fewer messages, response rates and date realizations dramatically increased.
Dating app messaging isn't difficult. Be considerate, read profiles carefully, and write messages sincerely. Following these basics consistently yields results.
I initially failed repeatedly, but persistent improvement led to wonderful encounters. I sincerely hope readers of this article find great connections too.
Next time, I'll discuss "How to Choose the Perfect First Date Venue," including my failure stories. Stay tuned!
