Use “thank you” rather than “I love you.”
I once asked a foreigner who lamented that Japanese people do not express their affection to him, “Why do you want me to express affection to you so often?” I asked her. She answered, “Because I feel insecure if I don’t know if you think I am important or not. She said that it makes it hard for her to know how he feels and what he is thinking about now as Japanese.
It is true that Japanese people have the virtue of patience, and I feel that men in particular tend not to clearly state their feelings, saying, “This is how I am feeling right now. It is difficult for them to know whether they are angry, sad, or happy, and when these feelings accumulate; it is easy for them to feel insecure. And when these feelings pile up, it is understandable that they feel insecure and wonder if they are really loved.
I think the reason why Japanese people are successful in this respect is because they have the habit of reading each other’s feelings. Japanese people can feel affection for each other without saying, “I love you,” but by saying, “It’s a nice day today, let’s go for a short walk.
A small “Arigatou” (thank you) is more affectionate than “I love you,” and “I’m always sorry” is more appreciative than “Arigato” (thank you).
Westerners try to convey their feelings of “I’m happy,””I’m having fun,” and “I love you” to others on a daily basis, while Japanese people place more emphasis on conveying “Thank you” and “I’m sorry” as acknowledgements to others. Japanese acknowledgements include expressions of affection, so they are not accustomed to going out of their way to express their feelings.
Expressions of affection vary depending on the place of residence.
Now that we have some idea of why Japanese do not say “I love you” clearly, even Japanese have the desire to hold hands and make out if they are lovers. But why is it that Japanese people, unlike Westerners, tend not to engage in such lovey-dovey acts in front of others?
I believe this is largely due to differences in “lifestyle” from childhood. For example, when a child is born, Japanese people sleep with the father and mother on the futon in the same room, in the shape of a river. In the case of Westerners, children are disciplined to sleep in the nursery as soon as possible because they value the relationship between father and mother, man and woman. It is rare for them to sleep with their parents. Westerners are quite surprised when I tell them that in Japan, children sometimes take a bath with their parents.
Japanese children feel secure and affectionate when they sleep with or near their parents.
Therefore, Western parents and children began to express their affection directly by hugging their parents during the daytime, saying “I love you” and hugging them without worrying about being seen. Westerners, accustomed to this form of direct expression of affection from their parents, can make out in front of others with impunity even as adults, and there is no sense of humiliation there.
This difference can also be attributed to the difference in housing size between Japan and the West. In Japan, the living quarters are small and the distance between parents and children is close, whereas in the West, the distance is far. Also, in Japan, many extended families live with grandparents, so the physical distance between the entire families is often closer. Westerners spend time alone, time with their children, and time together as a couple, and therefore have little time to spend with each partner. And this may have led to direct expressions of affection.
In the case of Japanese people, on the other hand, the whole family spends a lot of time together, and because of their closeness, they are able to tell how the other person is feeling from the smallest actions. In the case of the Japanese, however, they spend so much time together that they do not need to express their affection in such a direct manner.
People often say negatively that “Japanese are not good at expressing affection” or “Westerners cannot read the air,” but it is simply because they do not need to do so in their respective environments. After all, cultural differences arise from differences in environment.
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